Hi there, ladies!
It's been so long. I'm so sorry, but for awhile now I just couldn't get myself to post on here. To be honest I am frightened of falling back into the heavy restriction that had been a habit. Restricting isolated myself socially and made me extremely unhappy. I didn't even look that good, despite what some of you said when I was at my lowest of 114 pounds, a BMI of 17.33. I did not look healthy. I look back at pictures of myself at the end of my senior year and in my senior show "Into the Woods", and I looked gross. I didn't even realize it at the time, and unfortunately my mind was set on how skinny I could be. The reason I am afraid of posting on this blog is that it seems to put me into a cycle: I start off with a "healthy but thin" mindset, aiming to stay within a BMI of 18.5-19.5, but then I see how thin others of you are getting and think, "Why don't I go further? It would get me more modeling jobs, anyway!" But no, no, no. All restricting leads to is unhappiness, and that is the truth, whether you realize it right now or not. I'm so much happier now, I have a vibrant social life, I am attracted to my then boyfriend now fiance again (yes, restricting very much lowers your sex drive), my boobs are bigger, I look sexier, I have curves but I'm thin and I love it.
It's funny how when girls are restricting they say, "Stay strong", but it really takes more strength to make the healthy choice. At least for me, it's all too easy to restrict. It's all too easy to turn down coffee and lunch dates so I can go to my room and continue to starve. It's harder to make the choice to eat and be healthy, but so many positive things come from it. I'm so much happier than I was at the end of my senior year and I know being at a healthy weight is to thank for that.
The photos above are from my August 2011 photo shoot with Privileged Model Management. On the day of the shoot, I stood at 5'8, 125 pounds, a BMI of 19. It's funny how so many girl's blogs that I've read say at a BMI of 19, "Ugh, I'm still so fat!" Do I look fat to you? I look as thin as I did at 114, only my hair and skin are healthier and I am a hell of a lot more confident. Eating disorders are not the answer, my lovely ladies, as much as you may think so right now. I know, because I believed in it once. I embraced ana as a lifestyle, and sometimes I'm still tempted to. But you lose so much: friends, family, passion, happiness, energy, so many important things.
Take a step back, and look at how beautiful you are.
Kayla Marie (Lita)