I write not knowing whether there will ever be a "normal" post from me on this blog again.
Honestly, it's getting harder and harder for me to update my blog each day, and here's why: my thoughts on what I want, need, and should do keep changing each and every day, usually multiple times throughout the day. I feel so conflicted, and I don't feel as if this is a place where I can come and express that. Not because I feel uncomfortable, because all of you have been so supportive and encouraging time and time again... but because I simply feel inadequately suited to articulate the thoughts of my own mind. I'm sorry. I'll blog when I can, but I can't promise any consistency, or even offer to be that inspiration that I have become for some of you. It has been amazing to be an inspiration, but at the same time, maybe I've let this blog pressure me too much. Maybe I just need to let myself BE, and make my decisions day by day, instead of feeling like I need to stick to a "plan of action" because I wrote about it on my blog. The truth is, some days I feel like I need to fast, others restrict, others eat healthily, others binge. I'm just not a consistent person, about as consistent as my weight, which has continued to fluctuate from 114-120.5 over the past few weeks. I'm happy at those weights, I really am. But I just want to be able to go with the flow of what I feel my body needs instead of worrying about people feeling bad for me because I binged. I don't want people to feel bad for, or sympathize with, or pity me for binging. Is this making any sense?? I worry that my thoughts are becoming less and less concrete. Can anyone relate?
This probably isn't a post any of you were expecting. I sincerely apologize. Maybe one day I'll go back to my daily update days, but for now... these are the dysfunctional thoughts of my mind.